LONG ROAD TO RUIN
It’s pretty easy to slip over the line from ‘yeah everything’s great’ to ‘why is everything so difficult?!’. Except when you slip over that line you forget all the times before that you have climbed over it. It would be fairly simple to look at everything and feel down about my current and not too distant future situations. Except i’m not going to, because I refuse to be broken.
In the grand scheme of things my problems today are minute and could certainly be worse, yes I know that. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t making me feel all flumpy though.
I’d like to be able to come back to my own place and sit quietly and think about things, that’s just not going to be today though. I’m still a guest at hotel mum and dad, who have decided to have the interior of the house torn apart and redesigned before moving.
The waters off, so no coffee. The house is full of builders. It’s not quiet, i’m not feeling like a people person today and quite frankly I’d quite like to disappear.
A short momentary glance at the google search page, (my hand’s hovering above the keyboard waiting for inspiration) I realise I will not find the answers I seek here.
I immediately type facebook. Why. I do not need to access this site, why is it the first place I choose? Because I realise when I have nothing else to focus on, as a person in the 21st century I have been ‘trained’ to ‘need’ social networking in my life.
I quickly delete what I have typed before I hit ‘enter’. I refer to my next solace YouTube. Again my fingers wait with aggrevated patience over the keys, I have NO IDEA what to type.
Foo Fighters, seems a good a choice as any. ‘Times Like These’ is the first song on the list, why not.
It’s ridiculous the calm that sweeps through me as Dave Grohl appears on the screen.
I don’t really listen to the song, choosing to just let it play. Certain words and lyrics stick out and settle into my conscious being. When the song is over, I have already begun to type this post. I’m not entirely sure of it’s focus, then again i’m not entirely sure of my focus today.
The thing is, my problems that are bothering me today are me. It is through my lack of decision and action that I find myself in this particular predicament. If you’ve read my recent whatlittlebearwolfdid posts, than you’ll know that I’ve recently torn apart and rebuilt the walls to my being. I’ve shifted direction.
Where do I really want to be? What do I really want to be doing? I thought i’d answered these questions, I thought I had this figured. I do. In a way.
My boyfriend is a musician, his band go away from time to time, I knew that when we met. When we met, I wasn’t looking to fall in love. As with the way of life, what I wasn’t looking for found me. I do love him, in fact in the last couple of months, things have seemed a lot better because i’ve had him. This person who get’s me, who doesn’t get life the same way I don’t get life. Who I can laugh with, be silent with. More than anything I can be with.
I miss him when he’s not around, but that doesn’t mean I want him to be here all the time. He inspires me to do the things that make me happy because he’s not just taken a job, he’s actually worked hard for the work he does now.
So yes I’ll miss him when he’s away, but I much prefer he’s doing what makes him happy. Except it just makes me realise that i’m not entirely happy in myself. So what is it? It’s fear. That’s what it is. It’s fear that if I follow my work that I’ll end up never seeing him. It’s fear that if I don’t follow my work and stay here i’ll end up miserable and resent my choices.
I don’t know what tomorrow holds, let alone six months time. In an almost instantaneous moment I realise that i’m being ridiculous.
If I let all my desicions be ruled by fear than i’ll never do anything. Of course i’ll miss my boyfriend when he’s away but that doesn’t mean I can’t do what makes me happy. It certainly doesnt mean I can’t be here to do the things that make me happy.
I can’t let the fear of not seeing him much stop me. Because in reality we will get to see each other. It doesn’t matter if it’s 10 hours or 10 days, we’ll get to be together.
Right now i’m 25 and just stepping from the ledge of everything I know and understand to step out into the world. Dave Grohl did it. Dave had no idea when he was in Nirvana just how far his journey would take him. Did he let fear of not seeing the people that were important to him, stop him? No.
I realise now almost an hour after starting this post that, my problem is not big. It’s no one else’s. It’s me, I am the person standing between what I want to do and what I am currently doing. You know what, I’m not sorry. It’s scary, the thought of being out there, making my own choices, being in the big wide world. I’m just lucky that I have been given the opportunity to get out there. Not everyone on this planet has that opportunity. The universe has been good to me, you were right Rob.
I wrote last week about how I felt as though I was just getting started, how my life felt like the pilot of friends where Rachel first moves to the city. Life is hard, living is hard. Sometimes it takes time to understand and be able to see things.
But when we do, when we can see things, that might not be easy but are right it makes everything feel clearer. Which makes us feel stronger. There you go, in the space of an hour I fell beneath and climbed back over the line. I have to follow my dreams, do the work that makes me happy, but that doesn’t mean I need to lose my boyfriend, home and friends in the process. Things will happen that I cannot control, that I cannot change, it is merely down to me how I get through them and how I will feel once I have got through them.
I go back to
Welcome to the real world, it sucks, you going to love it!
We won’t always have everything just as we would like it, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be good.
So if your struggling to see something, to get your head around something, even if the world buzzes around you, take a moment. Whatever our problems however life changing or not, however monumental or not, it is not what happens, what we do with them, but how we go about it and how we feel afterwoulds.
Happily ever after doesn’t exist. You wouldn’t want it too either, because it means the story ends. I’m not ready for my story to end yet, which means that for now at least there is no happy ever after.
You have all the weapons you need now fight